Musings of a Chicago-Born New Yorker

Getting Through A Fight

I’m not a yeller. At least I used to not be a yeller. My relationship with the fiancé is unique for a number of reasons, but this post is about fights, so I’ll focus on that. We have these arguments that seem so bad and so extreme.

I’ve never argued with anyone else I’ve dated like that. It used to be pretty disconcerting, but I’m actually kind of getting used to it. I don’t know whether that’s good or bad, but I prefer not to even get into that part of it. I want to talk about how these fights go.

Usually, he’ll do something or not do something that is a problem for me. I bring it up. He expresses his desire to not talk about it or makes excuses gives an explanation. I refuse to not talk about it. We start arguing about a tangent instead of the actual point of contention. One of us raises our voice.

We’ve only gotten into a screaming match once that I can think of, and that was by far the worst argument we’ve ever had. Usually there’s just one person with the raised voice and the other is looking at them like, “really? You’re yelling? We don’t yell.”

So I’m trying to get adjusted to this new life where occasionally I do yell. It seems like he never understands how upset I am unless I yell. I cringe at how much like a chick I sound for even saying that last sentence, but those are his words, not mine.

I’ve got to learn to stay on topic when we argue, he’s got to learn to stop bullshitting me. The fiancé said he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it until I repeat back to him what he just said. That’s crazy, right?

Actually, I’m the crazy one. I’m mean and crazy. And he’s illogical and a liar. Those are terrible traits to possess. But at least we’re aware of our worst flaws and so we can make moves to fix them.

Which leads me to our other flaws. He’s prone to grand declarations with no plan of action, and I don’t have enough patience.

But somehow, no matter how bad our fights get, we manage to work them out. No matter what the fight is about or what is said, we both know neither of us is going anywhere. It’s just not an option (and that’s not about the expensive ass wedding we’re having in 3 months). We’re in it for the long haul, and we have no doubt about that.

I think knowing we’re stuck together (by choice!) gives us the incentive to work through our issues. Part of the reason I never argued with anyone else is my preferred plan of action used to be to ignore problems until it becomes necessary to end the relationship. The fiancé forces me to face my feelings and discuss them all the time, and we’re experiencing some growing pains.

Growing pains is a good way to explain the occasional rough days where I’m frustrated with his aversion to the whole truth and he’s frustrated with my aversion to honest emotions. We’re getting there though.

How do you deal with getting through fights?

One way to settle fights.

Eh, I’ll keep thinking of solutions that aren’t completely insane.

3 responses

  1. I think it’s very normal for couples to have arguments/disagreements as long as they don’t become physical. The key to a healthy marriage is to know when to back down and say you are sorry if need be and talk it out. In January, we will celebrate our 17th anniversary so I know a little bit. LOL We made a decision all those years ago that divorce was not an option and we have never uttered those words to one another. We have had our share of arguments and issues but we have never wanted to walk out on each other. Just keep that in mind and you guys will be just fine.

    December 16, 2011 at 17:24

    • This is very good advice. At our worst argument, we’re usually saying, “well, I’m not going anywhere, so now what are you going to do?”
      Not that we use commitment as a threat, but I mean even at our worse, the first thought is that leaving isn’t an option, so we have no choice but to work it out.

      December 19, 2011 at 01:45

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