Adventures of a Midwest Transplant

Getting Out Of The Shower Unscathed

Last Saturday was my bridal shower. One of 438 pre-wedding parties organized for my wedding. The fiancé and I were painfully late to our engagement party, so I wanted to be on time. In an effort to make that happen, we got a hotel room nearby my job since I had to work Friday night.

The plan was for the fiancé to pick me up from work at 7:30 am, drive right back to the hotel up the street, and get right into bed to get a couple hours of sleep before getting up at 10:30 to get ready to head to the shower I was supposed to be at by 11:30. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

We didn’t go right to sleep. The mornings is one of the only times we really get to spend together consistently. He’s a narcolept at night and I’m only awake in the morning when I haven’t been to sleep yet, so it’s the perfect storm for us to chat etc. I ended up with about 1 hr and 40 min of sleep. And then we were dragging ass when we finally got up to shower.

Long story short, I got to the shower right around 12:30 pm. For shame. And just like my engagement party, I walked into a room full of people staring expectantly at me. I’m going to have to start being on time for things or I will develop a complex and not be able to get down the aisle on my wedding day. I don’t mind being the center of attention, but not when the expectations are that palpable. It’s unnerving.

The shower’s theme was cute and creative. The guests (there were around 50) were split into 7 groups representing different times. The invitations, decorations, and gifts were all supposed to coordinate with the theme. I’ve got a ton of pictures, but I won’t bore you with them. The times were: Breakfast Time, Lunch Time, Dinner Time, Cocktail Time, Bath Time, Exercise Time, Bedtime.

The idea was for the women to get creative with the gifts so I would get a variety that would cover all the times. I do love to cook and eat, so the three meal times made sense. I’m getting married so bath time and bedtime are obvious. And no week is complete without a nice cocktail hour. But the gifts were… less than creative.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved almost all my gifts. They just didn’t fit their themes.

Apparently, I should be wearing lingerie as I cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Also while in the bath. And at bedtime and during exercise, I should have the least comfortable lingerie of them all. Maybe I’d have been married sooner had I known that!

With the exception of my mother, it seems the closer the family members got in terms of the family tree, the raunchier and more blush-inducing the gifts were. Here are some of my favorites:

1) The lace-waistband pearl G-string. It was a gift from one of my church members, I won’t say which one. As soon as I pulled it out of the bag, I knew what it was and fondly recalled a hilarious episode of Sex and the City. I learned a lot about the guests at the shower based on who knew what it was the way I was holding it and who needed me to completely open it up to figure out what it was.

2) The edible everything. Bra, g-string, c*@k ring, and various anatomy-shaped suckers. It was a gift from my aunt and cousin. I didn’t even know they made edible– you know what, never mind. I wouldn’t even show everything in that bag to the whole room. I just showed the edible bra and g-string, and called it “edible bra & panties”. Somehow, that felt better.

3) A leopard print bag that housed a garter belt, garters, stockings, and a very skimpy, very sexy, very lacy set of lingerie. It was a gift from the fiancé’s sisters. I almost don’t want him to know what they bought cause I figured it might freak him out.

4) My mom’s gift was the best. She got me a gift for each time of the theme, and no lingerie. I’ve got enough to last for years, so I didn’t need anymore. But she got me a gag gift. She wrote a poem that covered each time. When it got to cocktail hour, the poem implied she’d bought me a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes (“a pair of red bottoms”), but it was just a Christmas ornament. It was a great gag gift and got a laugh from everyone there.

This shower had good food, good drinks, laughter, dancing, awesome gifts for me (and for everyone else too between game prizes, time gifts, and door prizes), and merriment galore.

There are still a bajillion more pre-wedding events to go, but at least that’s one more that’s behind us.

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