Musings of a Chicago-Born New Yorker

My Wedding Dress Isn’t My Friend

I mentioned in my last post about how I had a harrowing experience with my wedding dress. I’m here to tell you the story. Just let me turn off the lights and shine a flashlight up under my face as if I were telling a Goosebumps tale.

I wasn’t kidding when I said I was picking health over beauty. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be hot even if I lose 15 pounds (possible overconfidence alert!), I just won’t be as thick. I think both the fiancé and I can live with that. So yes, I picked health over beauty, but I also picked vanity over beauty.

How can vanity and beauty collide and not be on the same side? Well, go order a wedding dress, gain 10 pounds, try on that dress, and you’ll know the answer.

My wedding dress is beautiful. My grandmother will kill me for doing this, but I don’t care. Here it is.

Isn’t it lovely? The best part about it is that it isn’t white. I didn’t feel like me and a bride in the all-white dresses. But in this beauty? Oh yeah, I was feeling it.

My mother and I went to pick up me dress right before Christmas. We had ordered the size that fit my boob, not my ass, because it is an A-line ball gown and I figured we’d be fine. Wrong!

After I gained some weight, things… fit differently.

I get into the backroom with my wedding dress consultant. She has me step into the dress, then she pulls it up and starts putting it together.

There are these things kind of like the back of a bra that go across my back and hold the dress into place. There were two of them. She got those hooked, but nearly knocked me off my feet multiple times trying to get it.

When she went for the zipper, things only got worse. It was literally my worst nightmare concerning this wedding. The dress wouldn’t zip up. She said it almost zipped and called another consultant back to help. One woman held the dress together while the other pulled. After several painful tugs, they got it zipped.

But wait, there’s more! The dress has buttons. I hate those stupid little buttons that you need a special hook to even get all buttoned up. They couldn’t get those either. They had to do the one-hold-one-fasten thing again. Then, they had to adjust my back fat so I didn’t have “back-ass” coming out of the top of my dress. She actually said that. Back Ass.

After what felt like hours, I emerged from the room and got a look in the mirror. I couldn’t breathe, but I looked amazing! Even with all the bits of fat poking out everywhere, it looked great. I had my mother take a picture of me and I didn’t have too much side boob or Oprah arm going on, thank God!

Then my mother wanted me to walk, sit, stand, and dance in the dress to see how it worked for the wedding day. Did I mention I couldn’t really breathe very well in this tight dress? I did learn the importance of those stretchy bra strap things though. That dress doesn’t move up or down, it stays right in place.

The consultant then suggested we take the dress out a bit throughout the bodice. My mother refused. She said all I had to do was a bit of yoga and the dress would fit fine. After a brief look of horror passed over the consultant’s face, she agreed. Well, half-agreed. She suggested we make an appointment for Jan 14th. She said if I fit the dress, then they’d just steam it. And if not, then we still had time to get alterations done.

After that whole ordeal, I left with lots of pressure to lose weight (for the first time in my whole entire life!), bruise ribs (that dress was tight, and I was dancing), and a slightly deflated mood.

I’ve been having trouble finding the motivation to get on the health bandwagon. I didn’t eat healthier during the holidays, and didn’t get back to yoga til the new year. But I’m crossing my fingers that what’s left of my 20s provides the metabolism to kick start the weight loss in just 10 days. Wishful thinking?


5 responses

  1. Frustrating!!

    It’s one of the only times in your life (if ever)…you will have to fit the clothing instead of vice versa. I have been married twice, neither time in a white “wedding” gown precisely to avoid this sort of drama and stress.

    January 11, 2012 at 11:22

    • Ugh, I know right. It’s too bad I didn’t order a dress made out of lycra. But my dress isn’t white. There was no way I was doing a white dress if I could help it!

      January 12, 2012 at 01:07

  2. This is definitely like my worst nightmare too. I just hate dresses! I hope that the next trying on will work out much better and I can understand it being quite a downer and quite frustrating after having this kind of experience with it.

    January 11, 2012 at 21:32

    • I love dresses, this was just a mistake I made that I will fix should I ever need another wedding dress. You know, to renew my vows.

      January 12, 2012 at 01:07

  3. Pingback: My Wedding Dress And I Have Kissed And Made Up « Chicago-Style Hot Girl