After The Mushroom Cloud
Alternate Post Title: And we still together. (If you don’t get that reference to In Living Color, don’t ever say you are a fan of the 1990s)
I wrote a post last week about a big blow-up I attributed to pre-wedding jitters. When I look back on that moment, I just feel tired.
Having not yet regained my will to fight, the fiancé seems to sense this and he is working over time to make sure nothing goes wrong. I know life doesn’t work that way. Stuff goes wrong. Disagreements happen. Problems arise.
But I feel like I’m recovering from being stabbed in the stomach. So it’s nice to have some time where I sit back and just heal without being on the lookout for something that may make my stitches pop.
We’ve had some serious heart-to-hearts since that happened. I feel closer to him than ever. The fiancé and I know each other better than anyone else has ever known us, and I think that (and the love) will get us through. Understanding why we do the things we do helps the other person be understanding and helps each of us control our bad habits.
One thing that surprisingly helps me cope with all of this is talking about the future. Not the wedding, but our married lives together. Talking about travelling and grad school and who’s going to pay what bill is really soothing for me.
I’m a planner and a supporter by nature, so plotting our what year we’ll move where as well as giving him encouragement for his dreams keeps me focused on what’s really important. Our lives together and what we’ve built is what’s most important.
If I’m honest with myself, re-building the trust in our relationship is going to be hard. I feel like we’re broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I know the steps to take. 1) Read the bible and pray about it. 2) Have discussions where we’re open and honest and get all skeletons, feelings, and thoughts out into the open. 3) Devise a plan to move forward. 4) Honestly accept what has happened, completely forgive, and take each day as it comes, making better decisions.
I’m a logical person, so I know what has to be done. And we’re doing most of that, just not necessarily in that healthy step-wise fashion. I just don’t yet have the strength to do the work. The fiancé is being strong for both of us. He’s constantly reminding me that he will make sure he’s worthy of my trust, he will keep the lines of communication open, and he never lets me forget how much we love each other.
And when all else fails, we talk about the future. Our future, as discussed recently, is actually a topic for another blog post.