Musings of a Chicago-Born New Yorker

We Are Built On… Trust


And now trust. The fiancé and I see trust as one of the three foundations of our relationship. I’m writing a three-part series about it. I’ve been writing in the past couple weeks about how our trust has taken a big hit. We’ve been working hard to come back from that.

We learned that no matter what is said or done (so far), we can’t be broken beyond repair. I trust his strength and he trusts me to do what I say I’m going to do, and that right there is the foundation of our trust.

Trust is one of those vague terms that people throw around without ever really being sure they’re talking about the same thing. The fiancé and I discussed trust to make sure we were on the same page.

He thinks of trust as knowing someone is one your side and has got your back. He’s thinking loyalty and fidelity. I think of trust as knowing I can count on what you say and do. I’m thinking honesty and reliability. Those things aren’t far apart at all, but it explains why he never really got it before when I said I couldn’t trust him.

The fiancé was thinking he could be trusted because he always had my back, ready to defend. He was on my side always. But for me, trust is about staying true to what you said and your words and actions matching all the time.

Once we realized the gap in our definitions, that sparked a discussion of how to meet in the middle. We both just evolved our defitions of trust to include it all. So now we define trust as loyalty, fidelity, honesty, and reliability. Now he knows when I say trust I’m referring to if he’s telling the truth, if he’s on my side, and if he does what he said he was going to do.

I’ve been taking care of the trust seed I planted and I’m looking forward to watching it grow. Even as I write this post, I can honestly say I trust the fiancé way more than I did just a couple days ago. Each day it’s growing more and more.

I earned his trust a while ago, but I didn’t know at first how long it took him to trust me. The fact that I was just so honest right out of the gate is something the fiancé didn’t believe at first. He wasn’t raised to take people at face value. When he finally realized that with me, what he saw was exactly what he was getting, he was elated. That trust in me only made his love deeper.

He knows he can count on me and that I’m being honest with him. I’m starting to have that knowledge about him too and I appreciate it more than words can say.  I feel confident that our trust will end up right where it’s supposed to be even though we took two completely different paths to get there.

He is naturally mistrustful of new people and it took time and experience for him to know I was trustworthy. I’m take things for face value and got my trust broken, and now I’m re-building from scratch to a trust that’s stronger than ever.

3 responses

  1. I guess everyone has their own set of values AND their own definition of those values. I kind of have to say, I kind of side with your fiance here…to me, trust doesn’t necessarily get defined by dependability, Dependability is a whole different value. So, I’d be confused as heck too, in that situation. I’d still be mad as heck (and I have, in that situation, but it wouldn’t break my trust).

    Its good that the two of you are now able to sit down, discuss your personal definitions of trust, and hopefully other important core values so that in the future you are on the same page of knowing how your actions are going to be interpreted by the other person.

    February 4, 2012 at 08:54

    • Being on the same page has definitely gone a long way to getting us back on track.

      February 25, 2012 at 06:16

  2. Pingback: We Are Built On… Communication « Chicago-Style Hot Girl