Musings of a Chicago-Born New Yorker

We Are Built On… Communication



And now communication. Communication is the third of our three relationship foundation principles. The fiancé is the one who first brought this up as important to the core of a relationship back in August 2010. After he explained it, it began to make sense.

In a relationship, being able to talk about all the important stuff is a must. You can’t have things you can’t discuss. In theory, your partner should be your best friend. The fiancé and I have always been able to talk about everything, so we were open and we thought we had that big first step accomplished.

But we’ve learned since then that there’s so much more to communication. He and I communicate in different ways. Of the five love languages, we each have two, and none of them overlap. He thinks emotionally, and I think logically. He hardly finishes his thoughts or sentences, and I provide too many details sometimes.

It’s taken us quite a while to sort through all of our language barriers. We have made progress, and that’s something to be proud of. I still have to remind him to slow down and finish his sentences. He still has to remind me that he can’t be expected to remember every nuance and detail in my long-ass stories.

We never stop working towards our goal of understanding each other. It helps that we know each other better than anyone else has ever known us. We work hard to maintain our new vulnerability and intimacy. It keeps us on the same page and that always makes communication better.

We’re not perfect and we never will be, but we try to keep sight of our biggest pitfalls. When he omits things, it wears down both trust and communication. When we forget to communicate our feelings, it wears down both love and trust. And when I deflect his feelings, it wears down communication and love.

Trying to be aware of both my flaws and his isn’t an easy task. It’s way easier to point the finger away from myself, but I can’t do that. I have to be cognizant of things we both do that could weaken the foundations of our relationship. 

I’ve learned that communication can make the love and trust stronger. Love can make the communication and trust more resilient. And trust makes communication and love easier. The fiancé always calls me wise, but he’s the one who set the foundation for our relationship. Since the beginning, he’s truly been the head of our relationship and forged the path we followed. For a relationship-traditional girl like me, that makes me very happy.

At first, it was just a theory that had to be worked on. Renewing our foundation will be a life-long task, but I’m looking forward to the task. I think we’re up to it, and I know we’ll succeed.

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