It’s Starting To Get Real
I’m really taking the workaholic thing too far. I love my job– most of the time. And so far, I seem to be pretty good at it. But it’s just… a lot.
I’m typing this as I’m sitting at the fourth desk I’ve had at work since my promotion in November. We’re playing musical chairs and I have a starring role. I’m going to blame my inactivity when it comes to Project UnPack on my constant reorganizing at work.
Since I’m not at the point of quitting my job in a Michael Bay-style blaze of glory, I need to work on balance and calm. Typical Libra that I am, I’m always seeking balance that is never reached. But I won’t stop trying, no no I won’t give up.
People do things like drink, or do drugs, or get lost in a good book to escape from the stress of work. I however cannot develop a drinking problem no matter how hard I try. I don’t mean to joke about addiction, as I know it’s something that’s a real struggle for some people. I just feel frustrated that I have no real vices to lean on as a form of escape from a difficult day.
I’ve been supervisor long enough that now they are putting me in real charge of people’s careers and evaluations and progress. I knew that at some point I’d have to say no to a promotion or fire someone or give them a negative evaluation. But it doesn’t change how difficult it is.
My approach to leadership is blunt honesty and positive reinforcement. It seems like those two things don’t necessarily go hand in hand, but I’ve tried to cultivate an environment where you’ll hear from me whether it’s good or bad, and I’m not gonna sugarcoat the bad or downplay the good.
But when it’s all bad and no good, it’s just so hard! And now I’m whining, so I’m moving on to another topic.
The husband called me today and when I told him I was still at work, he sounded angry. I was unemployed when we me and only got this job 2 weeks before we were engaged. I don’t think he figured on being married to a workaholic. I know I didn’t intend on being one.
I imagine it frustrates the husband that I spend all this time at work, giving and giving (with no overtime paid), and come home and crash. I’ve done a much better job of working as hard to maintain a good attitude at home as I do at work. I know he appreciates that, but I know he probably wants more.
No one has yet said to me they feel like I’m letting them down, but I feel like at any moment this thing is going to fly off the rails. It may just be the lack of consistent sleep talking, but I’m worried. I get a lot of support from the husband, my family, and my bosses. So I’ll be okay. At the end of the day, I love the work I do and I love the husband. These days my life doesn’t consist of much more than that unfortunately. But at least the two things that take up most of my time bring me some joy in addition to all the stress.
If you’re still with me, thanks for reading my whole rant. Sometimes you gotta vent, you know?